Not my child is a popular phrase in the Community.
It has a (3) fold definition.
1.) My Child didn’t do it.
2.) Hoping My Child is not the victim.
3.) My Child does not deserve this consequence.
In my first attempt at my Black Lies Matter Blog, I spoke of the parents ( Mother) that wanted the best for their child or children and their responsibility) to avoid
Lying to their child.
Lying about their child. and,
Lying for their child.
These are very important keys and even tools that will help us navigate the community including the fact that I avoid mentioning the Man, Fathers, Dads or Stepfathers role.
We also placed the responsibility of mothers and fathers to “ Play Nice” when it comes to the raising their children in those situations where they live in separate homes.
Somebody Gotta Have Some Sense:
This was a popular statement in the 80’s and 90’s
because of the lopsided family dynamics of the Community.
The mothers have the unparalleled task of being “The Parent” with the role being the “best Mom” and because her home didn’t have a permanent father,she does her best to guide the family hence the word “Lopsided “
There is much to be said of the family breakdown and why, but we must stay focused on one thing at a time.
It is our willingness to staying focused that will benefit our understanding of each family and also baring in mind that there is no one size fits all antidote.
This point is missed in almost every idea or concept that occurs in the human existence and the Community continues to be placed in this bowl especially when dealing with children and family service agencies.
Why? You may ask and is there a way to fix this?
One thing to keep in mind is the fact that people are different and think,feel and respond differently,because we have had different experiences that have brought us to this point.
Even those that are in the same home or even identical twins. All respond differently.
It has been my belief for a very long time that most human interactions fail because they’re isn’t enough understanding of what empathy is and at the same time when and how to use it.
I Believe That Humans lack Empathy.
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s position. There are many definitions for empathy that encompass a broad range of emotional states. Types of empathy include cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and somatic empathy. wikipedia.org
Sometimes in the community what is known as empathy is perceived as weak and other times the object of our empathy may consider it intrusive, meddlesome or that we are looking down on them.
When talking about being empathetic. Remember the golden rule?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
When we see a need or a situation that may appear strained, it is important to approach it in a way that doesn’t add to the trama.
We must also remember the other side of these encounters.
This thing called pride that mask itself as dignity.
Many times members of the community will except help, just not from you.
This may be disheartening,frustrating or angering in some cases so it is important that we focus on and monitor our approach.
Another example may be a time that you realize that you and the person in need have “History “ this will also produce controversy,anxiety or strain.
In any and every case we must consider many things as we help because some of these “Community “ beliefs, agendas and their ideas create an entire new language as well as we interpret everything and everyone that we come in contact with.
Urban Understanding ,Hood Thinking and Ghetto mentality are a (3) headed idea.
Urban Understanding: What you will need to go about your day to day survival in the neighborhood.
Hood Thinking: What you will need to know to navigate in the Community and be awake,aware and be safe.boosters,dealers and bangers
Ghetto Mentality:This is the ability to move about the other (2) in addition to setting up relationships with businesses as well as everyday citizens while maintaining a seemingly untouchable persona.(Legitimate business personal)
These people ( Usually Males) rarely have there own place and in most cases live with Mom.
It is paranoia poor preparation or is it the Moms unwillingness to let go?
Or is a combination of the 3?
In our previous Blog Black Lies Matter “Higher Learning “ we observed the community’s idea of family and our place in society.
We also told the truth about education and preparation and,priorities.
One of the unfortunate things that take place in the “Community “is that some of the Sons and Daughters fail to meet the minimum requirement in school and have no idea of what they must do to become productive citizens.
What a productive citizen is.
Or why they should have to become one.
Without a clear understanding of roles, rituals and responsibilities the youth have no foundation and without a foundation there is little chance that they ( the youth) will make the best decisions.
A lopsided unstable and incomplete family unit is the culprit.
Which brings us back to our title
Not My Child:
I have a point of view about fatherless homes but I’ll use another resource.
Balancing the Parenting Styles of Fathers and Mothers
BY WAYNE PARKER
Children need both a mother and a father, and it is not just about family solidarity. Kids need both the nurturing style that most mothers bring to the family as well as a more challenging and real-world based style that seem to be innate to most fathers.
So how do the parenting styles of fathers and mothers differ, and how can we blend them in a family to benefit the children as they grow up and prepare for life?
One caveat is important. These differing styles can be overgeneralized based on gender. In some families, mothers can be more demanding and fathers more nurturing. But the essential key is balancing the different parenting styles and getting the best impact from the blend
A Mother’s Style:
Mothers tend to find themselves generally in a more nurturing role. They seem to have an innate ability to be discerning with their children. For example, they are often more tuned into a baby’s specific needs than a father is. There is simply an emotional connection between mother and child that a father simply doesn’t get.
In addition, mothers tend to verbalize a lot more with the children. Part of that tendency is that women generally are more verbal than men. That style tends to manifest itself in parenting where Mom offers more words of affirmation, tends to express her expectations more clearly and to “talk out” issues involving discipline.
Mothers generally put their children’s needs ahead of their own. She seems to come “pre-wired” to self-sacrifice; perhaps that starts with a pregnancy where a Mom’s full-time physical care role is so dramatic.
A Fathers Style:
Fathers are generally more focused on having high expectations of their children and encouraging them to deliver on those consistently.
They tend to focus less on making a child feel good or secure and more on challenging them and helping them prepare to cope with the real world. The emotional connection that a mother has is not often replicated in fathers. For example, my friend who has twin sons had a very hard time telling them apart as babies; their mother had no trouble at all.
Fathers, while they do not verbalize as much as mothers do, tend to be more direct and use fewer words. They may seem to be “too tough” to the moms, but their toughness is rooted in helping kids be prepared for real life. From a disciplinary standpoint, they tend to impose consequences more quickly and then talk later.
Dads also tend to be less self-sacrificing, at least in an obvious way. Their sacrifices tend to be more focused on the family as a whole and less on individual children.
Combining Both Parenting Styles in Families
It is clear from the research that fathers have a critical role to play in the lives of their children. And fathers readily acknowledge that mothers are essential as well. So the key question is how to blend the different roles and styles into a cohesive approach to effective parenting.
There are a number of negatives that come into a family if these parenting styles aren’t blended effectively. http://www.thespruce.com
In the community because of the weak foundation based on the lack of resources,and not the way that some think.
The man is holding us down is my favorite and I realize something.It is absolutely true.
The (Black) man has to accept full responsibility for the situation that we find ourselves in.
You see if the father is absent we yet have males in our community, we gave fathers and stepfather,pastors and countless other “Human “ resources.
Pretty good huh? Human Resources…I crack me up…
But no seriously there are enough men to solve all of the problems in the “Community “
So why the disconnect?
Yes why?… I’m asking you the reader
It is because of the men of the community at times have a predator nature and will not do anything for its community unless there is a trade involved.
What in it for me?
Whether it begins that way or not. The mother or her children will become the object of a barter (trade) for services rendered.
I’ll help you.
I’ll guide your child.
I’ll coach your child.
I’ll help out your family.
But there’s a catch.
They don’t dare mention it in the beginning.
They don’t appear to be predators (What does a predator look like?)
Priests,Pastors,Coaches. Anyone that we trust could be guilty of any number of despicable deeds.
There is no one left to protect,defend and represent our children in most cases but the Mothers.
And with the all inclusive role of motherhood There is the added responsibility of burying the child.
Or even watching there child lose their life without actually dying.
How do you except a responsibility that you know is too much and you won’t be good at, with the research proving most people fail at?
Well, most Mom’s have no choice.
And when they say not my child. They say it as a question as well as a prayer or even hope, because that is all that they have in most cases.
They don’t even have each other (mothers to mother connection) most of the time.
A mother is in court and her son is on trial for murder.
On the other side of the courtroom is a mother whose son was murdered.
Quite the dilemma
As we further explore our story, both of the boys 15 year old are part of a rival gang.
But wait, there’s more.
The living son (defendant) received 45 years.
The mother of the dead son appeared on the evening new and states
“I Would Have Rather That They Gave Him Life”
Her reasoning is that her son is gone because of the defendants poor decision.
These mother’s were placed in an impossible situation where no one wins and while they curse the power that but them in this scenario they are enemies in defending themselves against it.
Both said “Not My Child”…
Both disbelieving and both praying and hoping that it isn’t their child.