It has been almost 25 year since my divorce from my first wife and the mother of my 3 children.
It wasn’t something that I wanted. Nor, was it something that I was a direct part of or welcomed.
Although I share in its demise.
My then wife wanted it and had all of the support that she want and needed to make it happen.
Family (some mine), Friends ( stop mine) and some enemies were happy to put their 2 cents in to see my wife divorce me.
It wasn’t about her being happy. It was however her being away from me.
What is missing?
What is missing is the reason.
Why? According to the 3 page letter that she ( my then wife) gave my youngest then 9 years old at the time to give me has no legitimate claims however I knew that there wasn’t anything that I could do about it.
This blog is not about me being divorced or the idea that there can actually be a such thing as “ No Fault Divorce “
It is about the (6) of the main culprits that I observed at the time and want to share.
The is marital advice. It is however premarital advice.
Number One: It is easier to get married than it is to be married or stay married.
There are a number of reasons to want to be married and the way that enter into marriage.
Some live together (We Didn’t)
Some have children (We Didn’t)
Some save themselves for marriage (We Did)
Any one of these scenarios could work. At least when it comes to getting married.
I could blame my divorce on the fact that I didn’t have any role models.
Or being unemployed or fired but many marriages have survived much worse.
Preparation is key.
It looks easy but it isn’t.
Maybe Number Two Will Help?
Love is cool. But, it takes commitment.
This is easier said than done. Imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone and it is all one sided. Or they are just mean and angry all the time?
Or maybe they didn’t bathe?
What if your spouse was a chronic cheater?
The idea of remaining committed would be unfair.
When we consider the vows we take or make to our mate that is exactly what we are agreeing to.
Til death do us part…
And then there’s number 3.
Know your personale:
What do you know about each other?
Some say that you don’t a person until you live with them.
Anything from personal space to snoring may create a riff or resentment in a relationship.
In my present marriage my wife dislikes all of my choices of colognes.
That’s tough but it is a small thing (I just let her buy my cologne.
Understanding our partner and how we will operate and facilitate this small space is important and may take some cooperation ( On Both Side)
This may have contributed to my divorce.
To Counselor Or Not To Counselor.
We didn’t do premarital counseling and that may have been part of the problem.
I must be honest. I am stubborn and somewhat of a bully when it comes to my opinion and my time and having a professional counselor communicate to me how this personality flaw wouldn’t work in a marriage would have been key.
There are many counseling services that provide financial support as well.
They may have helped because my then wife and I had no idea about money management.
And this brings us to number five:
God And Religion.
This is an interesting one because as Christian, which we both were at the time.
We understood or at least we believe we understood that we should both be of the same religious belief.
Heck, there was even something in the Bible about it.
2 Corinthians 6:14 says
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness and what communion hath light with darkness.
There you have it.
Or at least we thought we had it.
We were good Church going people and being part of a small startup there weren’t a lot of resources like counseling or even support for a young couple that “were in love” and that’s all that mattered or shall I say we were “Clueless “.
To add to these misconceptions we were part of a Church that considered the Bible “The word of God”
And we weren’t going to disobey God.
Because it was better to marry, than to burn (Also A Bible Verse)
So what exactly did this verse mean? “Be ye not unequally yoked “
Well it turns out this verse could mean any number of things from marriage to a non-Christian or marriage to an individual that had fallen out of fellowship.
That’s when a person either stops coming to church or doesn’t want to follow Christian living.
It may also mean that one belongs to another church.
I this is according to how some people may interpret the verse.
Number Six :
To have or not to have children?
Children may be the single most blessing or curse to a successful relationship or marriage.
There is also the subject of not having them (children) or even how many do we have?
In either case children will make a difference.
For my family I must say that my children are a blessing and even though their timing and our lack of understanding placed us in a difficult situation ( A Child Born Each Year For 3 Years)
I have to conclude they kept things fresh and interesting.
These were happy and we were happy.
Looking back and attempting to put things into prospective, I now realize that my children were the glue and the inspiration.
They were also a part of a weird scenario that I played over and over again in my own life growing up with a father that was gone by the time that I was nine.
A continuous dream that I had as a boy as well as into my teens about three daughters that would sit on my lap and plead with me “Daddy, hurry up and get married so we can be born”
We actually had two girls and a boy.( because after two girls I prayed that I’d get a boy.
This weird desire to correct or prove that I would or could be the Father that my Father wasn’t.
And actually raise my children.
Many people are making the decisions to have children without realizing that this is a tough job if you want to do it correctly.
Some are choosing to have children in an attempt to be with a person or remain connected to a person.
There are those that do not want children male or female and will not inform their partner that they do not want children (Either now or ever)
As I walk back through time to prepare to write this Blog I am surprised by the fact that I found Six because we sometimes overthink and complicate things by adding things that will not help.
I am trying to help.
It is easier to get married than to be married and stay married.
Love is cool. But, it takes commitment.
Know your personal.
To Counselor or not to Counselor.
God and Religion.
To have or not to have children.